cupcakes

Everything was very bright yesterday. The area behind the Union, the deep shaded green area, the one with the circular paths and the low hanging leafy trees glowed. I only mention it because it was really striking and reminded me of the beauty of our campus. Spring is just a wonderful time to be in Texas. The fall may be breathtaking in New Hampshire and winter a clear crisp white in Colorado but Texas has the spring. At least Austin anyways. Just tell me another state with bluebonnets.

Somehow despite all of this cheerfulness on campus—I mean, we even have a cupcake stand now—I don’t feel cheerful at all. Overwhelmed and weighed down is probably more appropriate. The next three weeks are the last of my college career. That’s just so final sounding and they’re just so filled with the most inconceivable amount of organizational responsibilities, tests, papers and thesis writing.

If I hear another person to tell me not to worry, there’s nothing to be stressed about I will scream. Or my favorite, you-have-a-job-and-a-future-so-why-should-you-feel-like-that. I mean honestly, that’s just not the point. The point is that everything that I have loved for four years is ending. I have a job but that comes with scary things like rent and bills and public transportation. It means not waking up at 10, walking through the West Mall, studying all afternoon reading about theory in the so called real world and then going to happy hour before staying up all night writing a paper. And then there’s the fact that I don’t know what I really want to do or what makes me happy, that I reevaluate my life goals every 10 minutes and find passion in so many things, none of which what I’ll be doing next year. That’s scary has hell. So I’m sorry if I’ve been obnoxious. I’m sorry if I’ve snapped. And I’m sorry that I can’t be a better friend or daughter to everybody that I’ve annoyed in the past month. I just don’t think anything is going to change for the next three weeks.

Kurt Vonnegut died. I think that deserves mention. "I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center." This is one of my favorite quotes and I think it just sums up how I feel at this very moment in time. 3:43PM on a Friday afternoon before I go off to several appointments and obligations.