everything works out...

I have a big problem when people say everything works out for the best or suggest that there's an implicit correctness in one's chosen path. There's just too much room for free will. I guess I should look into this destiny/free will train of thought if I'm having this much of an issue, but for now I'll just let it bother me.

For me, it involves (of course) my future life. I realize being a senior comes with these crises but it's really quite scary. I'm moving to NYC and starting a job that's volatile, intense and is going to be hard as hell. I could be doing the same job in Dallas with all my friends and be close to everything I'm familiar with. Why would I leave and go away so that when I fail there's no safety net to catch me? I just don't understand. I've been independent and impulsive my whole life and I just don't see what it's gotten me. I know I'll make friends. It'll be fun. But I've sort of done that. I have friends from all periods of my life. I just wish sometimes that I could be one of those people with friends from kindergarten or stay around with my friends from college forever. I feel very fragmented and scattered as a result.

I think I'm confused about what I want. I've never had stability and maybe that's no longer ok with me. I don't know. I'm not used to it so how would I know if I like it. I sort of like change and crave it, but maybe that's why I'm neurotic and maybe I should work on that. Two years in NYC, grad school, abroad, who knows what I'll be doing in ten years. I truly have no fucking clue. And that's scary.

And then people say, it'll work out. Yes. It will. Life will go on. But I have a choice right now and can affect the direction it goes in. I can call New York right now and switch my offer to Dallas. Hell, I can go to public policy school now. I can not do any of that and work for a non-profit, work for a gallery or roam through Eastern Europe. Or move to Israel for a while--I've always been tempted. In a way I guess I have chosen a safer path. I just don't see how I know that there's any kind of fate when I can change my mind right now. I've done it many times before.

So I guess whatever. I'll go to New York. I think I think too much.